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Why does he not want me?

I speak with a number of females about men issues and often I hear the question ‘Why does he not want me despite all I do for him’ when talking about the guy who is not giving back the same level of affection or commitment you’re investing into him.

What I find interesting is the way some of you whether consciously or subconsciously make excuse for the guy’s behaviour. He’s not texting back because he’s ‘busy’ or he’s not expressing his feelings because he’s ‘shy’’. By doing this, you take away every responsibility from the guy and you’re left with the burden of driving the situation. This is where you start guessing what you think he wants and start moulding yourself to fit him in the hope that you’ll win his heart. I get it, at the end of the day we’re all human. No one enjoys feeling not good enough especially when you’re putting yourself on the line, being vulnerable.

Sadly, some of you stay in this emotional roundabout for months, even years. Hoping that the more you play the girlfriend/ wifey role, he’ll one day change his mind. I knew a girl who went above and beyond for this guy she thought was the ‘one’, even though he blatantly told her he wasn’t yet ready for a relationship. She was giving him girlfriend’s benefit hoping this would change his mind. After about 7 months he stopped calling or texting back, she later found out he was with another girl and got engaged to her few months after.

I feel the thing to realise is that men think differently from women. If a man does not see you as someone he wants to build with, it does not matter who you are and what you do, you’ll struggle to have 100% of his attention. The tactic of throwing yourself at him rarely works either. Most times, all you’re doing when you keep throwing yourself at a man is feeding his ego with junk and the more you continue, the more unhealthy his ego gets. He starts to feel almighty and indispensable, seeing you as something he got as oppose to someone he wants.

This sort of predicament starts as a result of tolerating being treated less in the hope they become who you’d like them to be as oppose to just accepting them based on the character they show you. My advice to you would be to stop chasing or trying to fit yourself into a man’s agenda, let him decide if he wants you. Easier said than done, I know. You have to understand that as men, our ego plays a central role in the decisions we make, a man takes pride in going after and getting what he wants as oppose to what he gets. So if you want to flip the state of play, challenge his ego! Tell him, ‘this is what I’m worth, are you able to pay the cost or not.’ Now he has to evaluate and make a decision, which can lead to 2 different outcomes;

  • He never saw much value in you in the first place, he stops making contact and moves on someone else. I can understand this can be difficult to take especially when you’re fully sold on the guy and you’ve made him ‘The One’ in your head. You’ll suffer withdrawal symptoms where you just want to call him to check if he’s changed his mind. Try not to! The more days you go without him, the strong you’ll get emotionally and mentally. Sooner or later, you’ll be in a position to find someone who sees your worth and willing to do what it takes to have and keep you.
  • He can complicate things for you by putting in more effort; returning your calls and texts immediately, you get the pass code to his mobile, and even get to meet his friends and family. At this point you’re thinking and telling your girlfriends, He’s different now, he must really want to be with me, otherwise why would he be doing this much?’ Don’t get carried away just yet. It can be he’s actually changed for real or it could just be that he enjoys the junk you’re feeding his ego and still wants that feeling of superiority so he doesn’t want to let go yet.

The way to source him out is to hold back on the benefit he’s used to receiving. Show him your value instead and see how he reacts. If he really wants you, he will become more drawn towards your value as oppose to just the benefits.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to read your thoughts so please feel free to comment below.

PS. I’m always looking for new topics to write about. So if there’s a particular topic you’d like to read or get a man’s view on, you can email me: or tweet me – @josh_lovetalk

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