DATING SOMEONE WHO CHOOSES YOU
I get that we can be overwhelmed by our feelings, particularly when it is someone we are attracted to. We can end up forcing situations in an attempt to bring our feelings into reality. I see people invest months into dating situations that then end up in disappointment and heartbreak. One reason for this is acting on the feelings you have for someone, who did not choose you.
Regardless of how strongly you feel about someone and how strongly you believe they are suited for you, I would advise not to get carried away with the excitement and possibilities straight away. Let them decide and show you that you are also who they want, ensuring you both want the same thing. I know this is easier said than done as when it comes to feelings, logic can sometimes fly out of the window and we can find ourselves playing the husband or wife role from the moment they entertain us; settling and accepting the bare minimum from them.
If you want to avoid your heart being stamped on constantly, what you are willing to accept must exceed what you feel. For me, the green light to acting on your feelings must be in line with what the other person shows you. Here are some signs that the person you like is choosing you.
NOTHING IS FORCED
When we find someone we are attracted to, we tend to want to pursue them – guys do this all the time, however these days I also hear women say “I am a modern woman, I have no issue pursuing a guy I am interested in”. While I admire the enthusiasm, the issue with pursuing anybody is that you never know if they are choosing you or if they are just following your lead.
Dating is fun and enjoyable when it is not forced. An obvious sign that you are forcing a situation is when you find yourself always leading; you are the one prompting and initiating conversations and dates, while they are simply going with the flow and entertaining you.
There is nothing wrong with making your feelings known, but give them the chance to choose you. I see people doing the most to convince someone to be with them. Giving your time, money and body to someone who does not want you is a waste of resources.
When someone chooses you, it is not forced. You both share the desire and common interest to get to know one another. This is what makes dating fun and helps it progress into an official relationship
THEY WILL SHOW YOU THEY WANT YOU
The foundation for dating successfully is making sure that both of you want the same thing. I see people give too much too soon when they start seeing someone; a few weeks into talking, you want to introduce them to your family or you’re loaning them money and moving like you’re already married. This is a major reason you keep finding yourself in crazy dating situations that never work out.
When you meet someone you like, give them room to show you they are on the same page as you. What I mean by this is, give them time to express how they feel about you and the opportunity to back up their words with actions. Some will only listen to the sweet talk and if they happen to be whispering the right things, off you go. You start doing the most and your expectations are off the roof; all the while, this person has not even claimed you yet.
Someone that chooses you will not only talk about their feelings, but will show you through their actions. It is important to give them the opportunity to do that, it is how you discover their true intentions. Inconsistencies between actions and words over a period of time is a sign that they are not serious about you.
The beautiful thing about letting someone show you that they want you is that you never have to guess your position. From my experience, there is nothing more stressful in dating than trying to figure out where you stand in someone’s life. You do not want to date with assumptions. If they are not expressing their feelings, ask the question – ‘Where would you like this to go?’ and if you are not on the same page then that’s cool, you’re free to go and find someone who is.
THEY MAKE THEMSELVES AVAILABLE FOR YOU
People invest their time in who they value. Someone that constantly makes the excuse of being too busy to text or call back is a potential red flag. When someone chooses you, they will make the time for you. It may not always be convenient, but they will make it happen.
Investing their time shows that they are interested in getting to know you. Therefore, I believe in communicating daily when dating – we don’t have to talk every minute of every day, but at least a text message here and there to check-in on each other. I believe this would help lay a foundation of friendship and trust going into the relationship.
Someone that is interested in you would also ensure they are emotionally available. If the person you are seeing still refers to their ex or some pain from their past, be careful, they might not be emotionally ready for a new relationship. Do not allow your feelings to tempt you into thinking you can save them. Putting up with someone that is not emotionally available will bring you pain you do not need.
If you meet someone that is not available for you, I would suggest allowing them to go and figure out what they want without you in the mix.
THEY ARE CONSISTENT
One of the biggest red flags when dating is inconsistency. Someone that chooses you would show consistency throughout the dating process. You will see it in their character, actions, words, behavioural patterns and communication.
You should not have to put up with someone that shows up and disappears from time to time. You should not be dealing with someone that lacks integrity or someone who cannot be held to their word. Personally, these are all signs that they have not chosen you.
When our feelings take over, it is possible to make excuses for people’s inconsistencies. You see this person as a potential partner and do not want to ruin the situation. However, without consistency, it is difficult to build the foundation for a relationship. Consistency helps to build intimacy and trust, which are things you need to have a happy and working relationship.
To date successfully, your desire to be treated according to your standards must be greater than your fear of loss. You need to be ready to walk away from anyone that does not meet your standards, regardless of what and how you feel about them. Going back to my opening statement – your feelings alone will never be enough. What you feel almost doesn’t count if the other person is not on the same page as you. To avoid heartaches, let the person also choose, ensuring that you both want the same thing moving forward.