ARE YOU REALLY READY FOR A RELATIONSHIP?
I have always been an advocate for relationships, the things I love about being in a relationship is that I am sharing my life journey with someone that accepts me for who I am. We are growing together and contributing to each other’s happiness and life goals. Of course, all of that does not happen overnight, after years of being together, we are still working and learning together.
Something I get asked a lot by single people is where or how they can meet this right person? I guess there are a number of single people who have this on their mind, which explains why there are millions of users on tinder and bumble, swiping right hoping to find the right match. A lot of people are investing so much time and energy into finding a relationship, going on date after date, trying to look and act in a manner they feel would be attractive to the other person. When they don’t get their desired results, frustration and bitterness kick in; men become trash and women bi*****. Unfortunately this has caused some people to either give up on dating saying there are no more good men/ women and others or feel that they have to lower their standards and accept toxicity to be in a relationship.
A long time ago, I used to be that guys that forced relationships, it was not my thing to be single. So I hopped from one relationship to the other. I think there was a phase when I had 3 relationships back to back. The newness was nice at the beginning but it soon because emotionally draining for me. The turning point for me was when I took a counselling course because I wanted to become a counsellor and help people.
Two big things I took away from that course were – use of energy. I learnt that we invest so much into things or situations that are out of our control, ignoring or not paying enough attention to the things we can actually control. The other thing was self-awareness, being aware of my feelings and what was causing that feeling.
It made me think a lot about my relationship situation at the time, and realised that I was putting so much into finding or making someone the right woman for me, something I had no control over. So I started to look at myself and started fixing myself emotionally because that was the one thing I have complete control over. It was at this point things started turning positive for me.
As someone that has been in toxic and now a happy, working relationship, I can tell you that great relationships can only happen when two people that are complete as individuals come together to compliment each other. When I started looking into myself, I realised that the reason I wanted a relationship so bad was because I felt it completed me. The thing about looking for or being in a relationship that completes us is that we easily become a liability because we are always asking. The other side of that is that the person we’re asking will at some point feel entitled, lording over us and this is where relationships become toxic.
I had to invest in myself. Became single – loving and accept myself with my flaws. I became content and comfortable in my own skin, not needing validation. The one thing about being complete or single is that it helps to choose your relationship carefully. I paid close attention to who I accepted into my emotional space. Also it helps when in a relationship because every relationship has its stormy season, if you are not strong within yourself, it is very easy to get carried away by the wind.
To those who ask how I can meet the right person or where are the best spots to find Mr/ Mrs Right. I feel there is nothing we can really do about when or how someone walks into our lives. I have spoken with a number of people in good, working relationships and when they tell the story of how they met their partner, It is not as a result of how many times they swiped right on tinder, how many DMs they slid into or entertained or because of their physical or material possessions. It is never forced, it tends to be something that just happened. I would say the energy and time invested in worrying about when or how to find a relationship would be better spent building a person that would be ready when the right relationship come around. This is the only part you have control over, the other things are only a matter of time.