The 21st Century Guide to Dating

Hi all, hope you are well and having a lovely week. I’m back with another post, this time teaming up with UK Blog Awards finalist – Debrae to discuss why dating sometimes goes wrong. Debrae would offer reasons as to why women may mess up during the dating process, whilst I would serve as the voice for men.

Debrae Says

Ladies, have you been left wondering why you haven’t had any success with dating as of late?  Below, I will expand on a few reasons why this could be. You may want to jot down these pointers…

  •  Expecting too much, too soon

As women, let’s be honest. We are usually driven by emotion and at times we can let our feelings get the best of us. A man can simply glance in our direction and we’re already planning the perfect wedding. When dating a potential partner, it is important to acknowledge the keyword; potential. Some women are stressed at the fact that homeboy hasn’t introduced her to friends and family after the second date. I would advise you to remember that you are in the beginningstages of what could turn into something serious. As difficult as it may be, try not to get carried away, it is perfectly normal if he hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend after a few dates. Some people believe in love at first sight and may know exactly who it is they wish to be with instantly whilst it may take others longer to come to this decision. Enjoy dating for what it is initially; a process.

  •  Dating for the wrong reasons 

I don’t know about you guys but when I go on a date and I am not attracted to the man in any way, it shows. My lack of enthusiasm and interest will definitely communicate that message to him. Some women go on dates for free food or simply date out of boredom/loneliness. When a woman is desperate for a boyfriend, believe it or not, men can sense this which will turn him off or worse, he will use this to his advantage and try his luck as he knows you will tolerate anything just to bag a title. Pretty soon, the guy will pick up on the fact that he has become your personal chauffeur/ bank and may put an end to things. No one likes being used.

  •  Giving too much, too soon

This generation encourages women to do the most for men that are not their husbands, talk less of being in an official relationship. Nothing has been cemented between the both of you but here you are playing Polly the housewife, paying for his phone bill, cooking for him on demand and of course giving him that good good. All this without any commitment. Why would he feel the need to put a title on anything when everything is coming his way, with no hassle and no questions. For now.

Regardless of how new age society paints it, giving too much to a guy too soon, leaves no room for the thrill of a chase. It gives them nothing to work for.

  •  Not making expectations clear from the start

When two people start dating, it is important that both parties are clear on what they expect. This is because one person may be looking for a serious relationship after dating for a while, at the same time, the other person may simply be out for a bit of ‘fun’. By stating what they expect from the beginning, feelings are less likely to get hurt and both parties can make informed decisions on whether or not they would like to continue seeing each other.

  •  Having unrealistic benchmarks

With the rising impact of social media, it is becoming increasingly common for couples and people in general to compare their lives to what they see online. When dating, individuals try to imitate what they see on Instagram or are left disappointed as their expectations do not live up to what is seen across online platforms. It is important to appreciate the efforts your potential partner puts in. So don’t feel offended if your date doesn’t book you a table at the Shard accompanied by a quartet playing a beautiful melody with 500 roses beneath your feet. After all, you are just getting to know each other.

Josh says

Fellas, here are some of the things I feel are getting in our way of successfully dating and progressing our date into the relationship phase…

  • Inconsistency in our words and actions

As men, expressing how we feel is not particularly our strongest point. Nevertheless, there should be consistency and correlation between our words and action, so the woman is assured of our feelings and where things stand between both of you. Don’t tell her you’re on it, then go ghost on her for few days without reason, and pop back up when you feel like it, trying to continue things like you never left. As much as you don’t want to come across too eager, you also don’t want to keep her second guessing how serious you are about her.

  • Lack of confidence

It is common knowledge that confidence is an attractive feature; so it is important that as a man, you carry yourself in a way that says you are comfortable in your own skin. An act of confidence is when a man takes control of the dating situation; expressing yourself and letting your true character show forth.

  • Bringing sex in prematurely

I feel women know the deal when it comes to men and sex. However, this does not mean they are alright with making them feel like a grab and smash job. They still want to feel wanted and cared for, that you are actually interested in them beyond their ‘box’. So asking for nudes after a few WhatsApp messages, or talking about ‘when you coming to mine’ before even taking her out for a date can be a turn-off and lead to your number being blocked

  • Inability to listen and pay attention

Getting to know the other person and progress a dating situation would require consistent communication. The ability to listen and pay attention is integral to this. We men, tend to develop short attention spans when women go into topics that are not pertaining to our interest – Makeup, choosing between a nude and red shoe to go with a black dress, amongst other things. Although these (to us) are trivial issues, they hold high importance to women, and listening not only helps us to better understand her personality but also shows that we care and are interested in who she is.

  • Trying too hard to impress

It’s in a man’s nature to try to impress a woman who he’s attracted to. That said, some guys go overboard and create perceptions that are not true. Trying too hard to impress a woman can be off-putting; whether that is embellishing your financial status or trying to be something you’re not because you think that’s what she wants. It is always better to be yourself and find someone who wants you for you.

  • Our Ego

We all have egos but as men, sometimes we can get bogged down with feeding our egos to the extent that we lose the essence of dating. Guys who don’t have their ego under control expect everything to work in their favour and according to their plans. When it doesn’t, all peace and harmony is lost. This hinders the other person from freely expressing themselves and also makes you look like a control freak, which is rarely deemed attractive.

From us to you…

Josh – I must say from a man’s perspective I completely agree with Debrae’s points, particularly the point of ‘giving too much too soon’. As men, our ego will not allow us to settle for a woman that we consider ‘easy’. We take pride in putting in work and earning not what we are given freely but what we work for. So if you’re dating and he’s not putting in work to win your heart, chances are you’re probably ‘easy’ or he’s just not interested.

Debrae – From the points made by Josh, it’s refreshing to see that there are men out there that ‘get it‘. I definitely agree with the point of ‘bringing in sex prematurely‘ in addition to ‘trying too hard to impress‘.  No matter how good-looking a man is, it’s an immediate turn-off when they start making sexual references so early. As for the famous phrase ‘so, when are you coming to mine?’,  Josh didn’t lie. It’s an instant block ?

More importantly, I admire when a guy can be himself, not feeling the need to show off or draw attention to his accolades excessively. A quiet confidence is always good.

Finally, dating can be a great experience. Enjoy the process!

Thanks for reading and please feel free to share your thoughts or questions below

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